The Promise of Transformation

When I search Google images using the word transformation, a lot of business logos show up along with images of body builders. With meditation transformation, I get more unidentifiable businesses along with some life coaching sites that incorporate meditation techniques of some kind. And then there's yoga transformation.  With that one, there are before and after pictures of bodies that start obese and end shredded and shiny.

Transformation holds a promise of freedom, of complete change, of realizing a dream. And there is freedom in transformation and complete change. Realizing a dream, however, may or may not happen the way we imagine. Making something real means that it comes into the world of conditions and the dream has to be altered somehow. That's the condition of making something so. The body sheds weight but the heart is still tight and now the gut is clenched too. You moved into a new house, leaving some old problems behind only to meet new problems. This is how it goes.

It's not realistic to expect problems to fall away with the fulfillment of a desire or the shedding of something we cannot accept in ourselves. But transformation still happens. The process of meditation and yoga is a process of the mind reflecting awareness, which is always clear and free from doubts, confusion, fear, sadness, and all the rest. Yoga postures teach us how to live in embodied awareness, yoga breathing teaches us how to ride waves of change that are always swelling and cresting, meditation teaches us that awareness is something inherent within us that is somehow untouched by all the comings and going of the mind and the world.

We cannot expect transformation to be immediate, easy, and full of relief.  A caterpillar when it goes into the pupae stage liquefies. All but the very basic physiology that pulses life melts inside the pupae. From this gel, the butterfly body forms. Transformation is like this. You know that things will be different on the other side, and you have desires that draw you like a beacon through the transformation. But the process itself, changes everything and is fraught with chaos and uncertainty.

As we dedicate ourselves to finding peace in a practice, the mind changes from reflecting on itself like a hall of mirrors to reflecting the awareness, the mindfulness, that is in the backdrop at all times in everything. The mind transforms from being highly reactive and reflective of its own thoughts and everything else to becoming still like a pool of water that reflects the sky. Even as this happens, new conditions arise. Compassion is no longer some obligatory maxim to follow, it's embodied. And the call to action for the sake of compassion cannot be denied.

A Little Bit on the Self and the Conditions of the World

As you develop a meditation practice, you can't help but run into it.

The idea of the self is discussed in the world of psychology, philosophy, as well as the Yoga and Buddhist traditions. In early adulthood, we are trying to find ourselves; we are trying to understand the self that is independent of family and society. Sometimes self is written with a capital S. Regardless of whether or not you capitalize, this Self is the eternal within us and the ineffable that we hold. People can get very technical about what the Self is, how to understand it, and how to live from this Self completely rather than from the static of expectations, beliefs, and thoughts that we and others have about our Self. It's great to read about it. I find it very heady, and it stokes my curiosity; it inspires expansive thought. But it's also an easy way to again be once removed from direct experience.

Here is how I see it these days.

No matter how much or how little we come to know ourselves, there is always something invisible to us, and it is big. For our entire lives, we hold this invisible self, and it is something that is very malleable. It is shaped by the conditions of our lives and the world. We have some control over how the self is shaped, but like the conditions of the world, we really have very little control over any of it.

However, when we have a stillness practice, we reach a place where we can see how we shape ourselves. It is in this field of awareness where we can engage consciously in the process of shaping the self. Awareness of this process could be called living from the self. Through this we find more freedom in expressing the self/ourselves in the world.

As for the world, it is also a set of conditions that are in a state of continuous change. Again, we have very little control over the conditions of the world, but we can contribute to its conditions through a conscious process of shaping the self. We can be part of what we want to see in the world. We can be part of creating what needs to be brought forth into to the world.

Thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from you in the comments section.
-Renee

A Basic Yoga Lesson

1. Don't get caught up in the storylines. 

Get to know your stories and how they run you. Practice coming back to body and breath when you see you are caught up in your storyline. Some stories are great. Some stories are really bad. Start with the bad ones then do this with all of them. Once you can do that, you are on your way to not clinging, which is a basic cause of suffering and confusion. This is true for everyone.

When you let go of an old habit, an old storyline, a vacuum is created. Fill this vacuum with awareness of the inherent peace and clarity of mind that we all have, which is our birthright. Be with yourself, as you are, in your body. This is where a good asana practice and seated meditation practice come in.

To get this lesson could take awhile. Be patient with yourself and cheer up. A lot of people haven't even gotten to this one yet.

I Know What It Is To Practice

I know what it is to grieve in a practice
to prepare for new life in a practice
to let go in a practice
to build again in a practice
to recover in a practice
to be inspired in a practice
to resist in a practice
to be distracted in a practice
to be curious in a practice
to sit in pain in a practice
to sit in luxury in a practice
to be completely absorbed in a practice
to be in love when I practice
I know what it is to be broken and made whole again in a practice
I know what it is to be free in a practice

And then I know what it is to do all of these things as a person, a woman, an adult, a mother, a lover, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a citizen, a driver, an ally, an opponent, a stranger, and as all the other ways I am in my life.

And I have sweated, injured myself, healed myself, lost weight, gained weight, gotten limber, gotten stiff, ended with my heart pounding, ended with my body still cold. And sometimes it's like gardening where you planted a seed and three years later you see this thing maturing in ways you didn't expect. And in each practice I am home in myself; I am where I need to be, and everything that has happened, is happening, will happen is in its right place.

There's nothing to achieve. It's about taking my time, inhabiting my body, embodying my life. Sometimes it's glorious and wonderful, other times plain as toast, and then other times a terrible mess, and then everything else too. What's wonderful about it is that I can explore and give something to myself that no one else can when I practice yoga.

Forgiveness Practice (and some more of my story)

Maybe it's because I teach yoga and I'm a mother of small children, but when I am on social media, memes with affirmations and insights from gratitude journals are floating everywhere.

Keeping a gratitude journal is a way to help anyone feeling depressed. You cannot be grateful and depressed at the same time. I know this to be true. I have tried it.

Many years ago I lived in a mill village and worked in a factory where I had to report to a low-wage 10 hour shift at 6:30am five days a week, sometimes weekends. It was the best job that I could find in the area given my liberal arts degree and wisp of work experience in New York. It was the first time I had ever lived alone. I was in complete misery and completely stuck. Saddled with student loans, I was barely getting by while all around me the economy was booming and people my age were buying houses and boats. I had trouble making friends and making rent.

It was at the beginnings of my meditation practice, at the height of my martial arts practice, and at the point in my life where I was still figuring out how to live a good life. I knew a few things at that point but still did not have much skill in handling obstacles that I faced. This was about seven years before Facebook began and a time when emails were just beginning to be adopted by the business world. So in my disconnected misery one morning driving to work, I thought, what if I find three things I am grateful for right now. I still remember what they were.

1. I am driving a car that I love. 
2. Dawn is just breaking, and it is a beautiful sight particular to the foothills and lake that border the village where I live.
3. I have three friends who understand me, one close by, one I write to, and the other I can call anytime. 

I felt better immediately. I even smiled. Did it pull me out of the unhappiness? For some time that day, yes. For several months after that morning, every day, first thing, I thought of three things for which I am grateful. I slowly felt better about my situation, more hopeful. I slowly realized that I had a new navigation tool that would help me in my pursuit of a self-fulfilled life.

When I see gratitude journals and memes now, I am suspicious.  Is the part-time self administered therapy market taking away the substance of what practicing gratitude actually does? It's too easy to be inspired for a moment by someone's insight about gratitude and then scroll on to what all your friends did without you last night and all day today. Then another rabbit hole opens up because of an opinion piece and terrible news and how we want to just huddle in the world of cat antics, delicious recipes and taking meds. After a full day of screens, routines, and documenting your life on social media accounts, who has it in them to even remember to list three things they are thankful for?

What do we do about the problems we face and the problems in the world that we cannot escape? We can be grateful 1,000 times over and convince all of our friends and loved ones to keep a gratitude journal. Indeed, it helps us all to put our problems in perspective, and that can be a relief and is very reassuring. Absolutely. A gratitude practice is a boon that opens us to deeper experience of life.

But still, young black men are being shot point blank by policemen with no good reason. Elementary school kids know first hand what lockdown means. There is a mass of garbage floating in the ocean that is as big as the United States, and every minute 13 tons of trash is dumped into the ocean. We can be grateful to help ourselves feel better, but the world is going to shit, and we all know it. We are on a sinking ship, and most people using their power are either not clear on what to do about it or are in such denial that they are willing to sabotage the basic mechanism of government while devaluing life itself. It's heartbreaking, deeply disturbing, and to an immense degree we are powerless to the destruction that we are witnessing.

Life is made of struggle. There is no escape, no matter what we believe, hope, or wish. We all know this is true. Gratitude will only carry us so far. 

Pass the whiskey. 

While there is struggle, life also turns on the wheels of joy, happiness, and ease. Everything has a companion. Joy and grief. Sound and silence. Action and stillness. Nothing stands alone. None of us stands alone. Everything is in a dynamic. We are a dynamic. So, what is the companion to gratitude? What's the dynamic?

How about forgiveness? How about getting into the mess and finding your way through it and helping other people find their way through it? Forgiveness. Maybe in that place we can find the strength to live our lives with a realistic heart and a clear mind. And from this place we can better help others find the basics and the balance they need. Maybe a forgiveness and gratitude practice is what gets us to the ground that we can truly walk, where we can find our purpose and what we can do in times of difficulty, no matter how big or small. Maybe this forges a key that we can use to unlock the chains that bind us, whether they be passed to us from family and loved ones or are the very chains we created for ourselves.

Chelsey Tyler Wood Untitled Box Series 1, 2010

Recently, I started a forgiveness journal, and so far, I am able to rattle off five things each day. I'm finding the low hanging fruit though. As time goes on, it will be interesting to see how this will develop. If you are considering this, I suggest that you dig deep in yourself to find what really needs to be forgiven. Don't make it pretty. Even be basic about the journal itself. Write without all the doodling that could go with it, or if you doodle, then get real with it. Don't make it pretty. Keep the images in the weeds and out of the clouds. Go beyond the daily blunders that we all make. Go to the broken relationships, the addictions, the pain or chain of terrible events in which you played a part. Go to those places and forgive yourself like no one else ever has. Whenever you feel the urge to reach out, reach into yourself more for the forgiveness. And perhaps, once a week or even just once a season, forgive someone else. Want to try?

Develop Your Vocabulary for Calm: a Workshop

The Inuits have over 50 words for snow, which shows an intimate knowledge of something that is so basic to their lives. We, on the other hand, have maybe a dozen words for calm while there are dozens of slogans about keeping calm. The way to develop our vocabulary for calm is to first gain intimate knowledge of it.

Next month, I will be leading a workshop that will be dedicated to exploring different states of calm through gentle movement, breathing practices, deep relaxation, and meditation techniques. 

When: Saturday, April 2nd 2pm-4pm

Where: Blossoming Soul Yoga in Seneca, which is a lovely practice space 

Cost: $20

A Letter That I Read to Clemson City Council on December 14, 2015

To City Council concerning proposed developments and ordinance changes

Anxiety, depression, addictions, and sleep disorders are our epidemic. One in four people suffer from one of these conditions. One reason for this is that we don’t feel like we belong. And we go against the signals from our gut, which have more neural pathways to the brain than brain to gut.

City planners and developers have hooked into mixed-use development as a way to create sustainable community. So here we are with exactly that happening. And yet, people in our community feel excluded from the general vision of the development being proposed and taking place. I wonder, too, if there are decision makers who are going against their gut when these ordinance changes and proposals are passed.

In the past year, I have been to Atlanta, Charleston, Columbia, and of course, Greenville. I am seeing the same mixed-use development in all of these places, and the same basic design. When I first saw it in Atlantic Station a few years ago, I thought it looked great. I was impressed. When I see it here, I see that it doesn’t belong here. Clemson is an urban place, but it is not metro. It is international, but not global. We are not Atlanta, Charleston, Columbia, or Greenville, yet we feed those communities, while we are fed by the world. Just look at the student and faculty population. They come from all over the world.

Still, students don’t respect the neighborhoods where they live and go to cities nearby for shopping and entertainment when it is not football season. Clemson has a faculty turnover because they recruit the best from the world, and once many arrive, only stay a few years because there is nothing here for them.

So, what design best suits Clemson? When considering the demographic of Clemson, what is best when it comes to city planning?

We have old trails that can be restored, and we could grow from that. We are surrounded by forest and a lake, which is one reason why people do stay in Clemson. It’s why I stay. I’m not into football.

So, here are some questions that maybe we should ask when considering the development of Clemson.

• What does our community value, and how can that guide the development of Clemson?
• How can we be good stewards and foster growth from what it valuable about Clemson?
• When we think about return on investment, can it include factors that impact the overall quality of life?
• What should those factors be?

We live in a material world, and we are all called to live from the heart, from spirit. Part of living from the heart is loving the material itself, all of creation, including what we create. When making decisions about community design, can loving the material of the plans, the supplies, and all other things involved in making a building and community be included?

Best regards,

Renee Gahan