How I Handle Father's Day

I have two fathers. My original father and my mother divorced when I was three. When I was six, my mother remarried, and a year later my second father adopted me. My mother and second father divorced when I was 14. I am not in contact with my original father and barely in contact with my second one. It's complicated because I have tried to reconnect with both of them over the years, and it just brings a cascade of pain, guilt, and regret to me and to them. Both of them have tried, and so have I. It's just not meant to be.

On Father's Day, I struggle to celebrate in a way that honors my experience with my fathers. I can't lie about the well of pain from these experiences, and it's hard to know what to do with it on days like this. Because of this well of pain, I moved toward independence and the commitment to healthy relating. I can take care of myself and find my footing in the world from what I have experienced with my fathers. But mine is far from a sweet picture of my dad being my pal who helps me get ready for the world and lets me dance on his feet or teaches me to fish. And this is okay.

So, what can I truly celebrate on Father's Day?

I can celebrate every time I witness the men who hold their children because they need that loving connection to their children. I can celebrate every time I witness men who do things with their children because it brings them joy. I can celebrate every time my husband comes home from work and quietly goes about taking care of our family in ways that I cannot. I can celebrate every time I witness the love that I hear in my husband's voice when he speaks to our children.

My children are still young, and through them, my celebration of Father's Day is evolving. I am thankful for that and am curious to see how I will celebrate Father's Day in years to come because of them.

For those of you who cannot be with your father(s), I hope you can find in yourself a sense of peace, strength and wholeness. And I hope you can find joy in the fathers who are around you now. To everyone, have a Happy Father's Day.